...hiatus...

I have derailed.

It's so messy that I require a new medication, along with changes to previous medications to help me get back on the tracks.  (thanks for helping me get that figured out jenny)

I'm doing fine, but might be taking a break from the blog until I can breathe steadily on my own again.

I apologize.

I'm not at my best.

love you all.

...kickdrum beating in my chest again...

I cannot manipulate outcomes.

This phrase has been playing on repeat in my head for a couple days now.  (credit for that phrase goes to sensei.  she is full of wisdom)  

I feel anxious during most of my waking moments, and sleep is hard to come by.  I have done well when it comes to keeping my feelings and struggles with infertility at bay, but lately I am losing my ability to move through it.  It's such a complex situation.  Even when I have other situations and things in life keeping my attention, infertility waits patiently and quietly.  Knowing that eventually I'll make my way back  In the quiet moments when the fog from the world clears, infertility reminds me I am without.  That I hurt so bad emotionally that I begin to ache physically.

That my arms are empty, and my heart is suffering.

Some days this is simply too much for me to handle.

I have been working on stretching my brain to accept the Lord's time frame.  (yet more wisdom from sensei)  Most days I accept that it won't happen this year, or probably the next year.  That if it is the Lord's will to not happen, it won't.  Now, I'm not saying that I have given up hope, that is not the case in the slightest.  What I am saying is I hope for the opportunity to be a mother, but if in the end it doesn't happen, I can live with it and not be miserable.  This has been one of the hardest things to learn, and you know what, I'm still working on it.

Sigh, but that's most days.

Today is not most days.

Today I have had to remind myself on multiple occassions to breathe steadily.  I've had to practicallly yell at myself that, 'I cannot manipulate outcomes.' and beg myself to believe it.  I've fallen to my knees and attempted to beg for comfort, but all that passes my lips are sobs.  Most days I feel like I understand, to an extent of course, but today the feelings are raw.

You know what doesn't help?

This...

I went to the visit my doc. on Monday and I walked out with 4 new prescriptions.  I cannot tell you how much this feels like a kick in the gut to me.  While I am well aware that the meds I am given are for my benefit, it's still not fun to swallow a cocktail of different pills every night.  It's like a reminder that I am not 'normal' yet.  (what is normal anyway? can someone give me a good definition?)  My frustration builds as I think of why I am here.  Ugh, a brain tumor!?  Seriously!?  Who gets a brain tumor?  It just seems so random, so uncalled for.  (yes, I am indeed saying that with as much disdain as you are thinking)

Um, hold the phone, dramatic much?

I apologize for that outburst. 

Today, my heart cannot take this.  My arms cannot survive being empty.

It's true, courage doesn't always roar.

In my case?

It cries.

...to you, my friend...

I find myself in a place where I can't find the right words to express what I'm feeling.  This is rare, obviously, as I always have something to say.  However, I'm going to try, because what I want to say needs to be said.   

You need to hear it. 

I am oft times completely overwhelmed at how much the Lord has blessed me.  More specifically, I have been blessed with the most amazing friends.  Truly there is no lady luckier than I.

Right now there is one person on my mind.  A dear, sweet friend who is hurting.

I want you to know how much I love you.  Fiercely.  That when I say I know the Lord had a hand in our friendship, I mean it.  Most of the time I can't keep a friend for a day, and you've stuck around for years.  Despite the fact that you do keep your pain so well hidden, I know you.  I see it.  I ache for you.  I cry for you.  I pray for you.  There is nothing I want more than for you to feel comfort, to feel at peace, to be happy. 

You are so strong.  Sometimes so strong that others don't see what's really going on.inside your tender heart.  I know you are protecting yourself and you know what?  I do it too.  All the time, actually.  We all do. 

I'll never understand it.

What I do know is this:  You've got this.  It's in the bag, lady.  If anyone can do it, you can.

You are a miracle.

I'm not going anywhere.  I'm always here.  Even though I apparently can barely take care of myself some days, it doesn't matter.  When I say you can call me anytime, that means anytime.  I sleep lightly.  Plus, chances are, I'm probably awake at 3 in the am anyway.  

I wish I knew exactly what to say, how to say it, what to do, but unfortunately I fall short.

Please, just know that I love you.  So much. 

Nothing will ever change that.

You've got this, lady.

...peace amidst turmoil...

I spent my evening here.

I took a moment to step out of this loud world to find peace, comfort, and hope.

I was given the opportunity to serve.

I was reminded of precious truths.
I got hugs from someone I love.

I know that there is peace amidst the pain.

I know I can do this.

In this moment, I know I can.

Please, remind me tomorrow will ya?

info on temples and their purpose here

info on my faith here

...(insert scream here)...

confused?  read this.

...the unknown...

"And the worst part is

Before it gets any better

We're headed for a cliff

And in the free fall I will realize

I'm better off when I hit the bottom"

                                                                  -Paramore, 'Turn It Off'

Let's start with a  visual, mmk?  (do not judge me based on my drawing ability, especially in paint.)

This is where I'm at right now.

Now, I don't think I'm a stranger to said, 'cliff.'  In fact, I think we have met many a time during my short existence.  However, I will never be comfortable in this place.  I actually think that's the point.  You can't be stagnant on a cliff.  You either move backward, or you jump.

Eekers.

Right now I'm getting ready to jump.  No parachute, no idea on what awaits me, but I'm gonna do it.  I swear.  On the count of three.  1...2...

Wait, maybe the count of 5?

I know this metaphor is quite cliche, but it makes the most sense to me.  (at least I'm not referencing Indiana Jones)  There are a lot of things going on here at, 'chateau de shumhead' and all these experiences and trials have lead me to the teetering edge.  Not in a bad way, but in a, now's the time to act in faith kind of way.  For those of you who have been readers here for a while, or that know me well in person, are aware that I have struggled in the faith department.  It's not something that comes easily at all to me.  It requires a lot of conscious effort on my part.  I know that acting on faith is never easy, for anyone, but I do think that some individuals have a gift in this department.  I admire them mucho.

These are the pivotal moments in life where you have to make a very real (and more often than not terrifying) choice to move forward (progress, stretch, learn, grow) or to walk away and cheat yourself out of experiences that can build a better you.  Confession: I have totally cheated myself more than once and I can honesty say I regret not having the faith and trust to make a move.  Or, rather, make the move that would be for my good.  (oh, I moved, I ran away from the edge of the cliff so fast...)  I missed out on experiences, relationships, lessons and most importantly, I missed out on becoming more of the person that Heavenly Father is trying (seemingly quite desperately with me, I learn slow) to mold me into.

You know what?

I'm not running away this time.

When all is said and done, I'm going to be grateful for this.

My hardest trials have lead me to the sweetest rewards.

A scripture from Alma comes to my mind.

Autn:ID - 13897

Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy. 

                                                                  -Alma 36:21

Powerful.

I see this as a promise.  A promise that if I endure my trials & experiences well, if I trust in my loving and ever mindful Heavenly Father (even though, yes, at times I feel completely forgotten), if I just KEEP GOING, I will (in HIS time, not mine, that's a whole 'notha post) experience this joy.

I know this.

The best part?

This applies to all of us.

We are better off when we hit the bottom.

Take a deep breath. 

On the count of 3.

1...

2...

3...

learn more about the book of mormon here

and more about my faith here

ps.  two great songs to check out today.  here and here.  no, really.  your ears with be grateful.

...the belle boutique featuring my favorite jewelry maker...

You know how I feel about these necklaces.  Especially this little beauty that was so tenderly made for me by mrs. r and her crew.  I wear one every day and I always feel a sense of strength from these pieces.  They hold deep meaning for me.

photo by Jenny Wheeler Photography.

So you cannot imagine my excitement when I heard that mrs. r is going to be at the Belle Boutique this coming Friday & Saturday.  Not only does she have a booth featuring her wonderful and inspirational necklaces (they'll have over 50 there!), but a new line of cute kids adoption clothing, handmade glass pendants, and 'i run for adoption' t-shirts which aren't available online yet!

Oh, yes, there is more.  They are offering half-off customization on any design!  (I already have 2 in mind that I can't WAIT to sit down with these ladies and create.  It's perfect!) 

So, if you've been thinking about how much you want one of these beatuies, custom or not, now is the time.

I am heading up first thing Saturday morning.  (One of my besties is getting married so I am on a time crunch.  Yaya for weddings, boo for time crunch)  If anyone wants to join me from 10-11am you are more than welcome!  Shoot me an email and we can head up!

Here are all the details...

The boutique will be held here.  

(address on the above image.  directions found here.)

Admission is FREE.

There is a raffle every hour with gifts from each vendor (40 vendors will be there!)

Including one of the rhouse necklaces.  You can shoot mrs. r an email if you plan on going

and she will send you a coupon that's good for 5 extra raffle tickets.  Perfect!

I can't contain my excitement.

Join me!

...bow to your sensei...

Jenny, aka Sensei, gave me a little present this evening.

 

This is a personal favorite.  The word, 'courage' has very deep meaning for me.  If you love the necklace, check out mrs. r's etsy shop here.  Buy some pretty for yourself.

She is quite talented, no?

Do you wanna look this hot?  Sensei has a website (that features more of my awesome face frozen in time) with all the info on how to book her for a session of your own.  Anyone who needs pictures, well, here is your answer.

I also have to add that this photo shoot was a blessing in so many ways.  Jenny is one of those individuals that I wish I would have met sooner.  (Thank you Ash for making that comment so long ago about how I must use the Sensei as my photographer, it panned out quite well)  The photographer has turned into a cherished friend.  She's lovely (as Lauren said), creative, likes sushi, and is oh so obviously talented.  It always makes me feel so honored when someone shares their gifts with me.  Jenny's ability to take pictuers and capture moments is a gift. 

Have I mentioned she'll totally share with YOU too?

She's a rockstar like that.

...courage doesn't always roar...

"So I`ll stop searching for the answers,

I`ll stop praying for an escape,

And I`ll trust you with where I am,

And believe that you will have your way."

                                                                          -Britt Nicole, 'Have Your Way'

I have a confession.  As much as I know, 'I was made for this' I am not feeling it at all right now.  In fact, I feel like in the past few days I have done a 180.  I hope that you all know I meant every word I said in that post, and I still do, but mortality doesn't stop for anyone, and it's been really beating me up as of late.  I find that once I realize I am completely capable of rocking my trials and current life situations things get harder.  Actually, I bet you all can attest to that.  I believe it's called Murphy's Law.  (correct me if I'm wrong.)  It's late and I don't feel like researching said law to find out if it is, indeed, applicable to this situation.  Let's all just assume I'm smarter than I sound and I know what I'm talking about.

It's in these moments that I feel very alone, lost, confused, and ultimately just straight up tired.  It's these days that I give all I've got, and I fall short, and then I have to trust that there is a higher power that will bridge that gap.  That He knows I am giving all I have.  That I'm pushing as hard as I possibly can.  I'm fighting to stay faithful, trusting, and hopeful.  I'd like to think that we are all allowed these days.  A quote from a  friend's blog just came to mind,

"  Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow."
                                           -Mary Anne Radmacher 

This is me saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'  

I don't have it in me to roar.

Forgive me? 

To all of you out there dealing with hard things, keep at it.  I'm pulling for you.